It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything.  Partly because I don’t want to sit in front of my desktop to type anything.  And mostly because all summer long, I haven’t been running.  At.  All.  And it makes me feel like a Lost Loser. 

I can use all kinds of excuses.  It’s been too hot.  I haven’t had the time.  I need to hire a babysitter just so I can get a run in.  I can’t get up early enough to run.  A REAL runner wouldn’t use these excuses.  (Yes I’m beating myself up again).  A REAL runner makes the time.  A REAL runner runs marathons, sub 9 minute miles and finishes a 10k (my favorite race distance) in half the amount of time as me. 

Let me backtrack…… when you become a mom, you kinda loose yourself.  You have about nine months to transform yourself and get yourself ready for completely giving away your identity.  This may not be the case for everyone, but it was for me.  I lived in the world of project management and wall sections and shop drawings.  Meetings about project submittals and putting drawing sets together were second nature.  And then in an instant, I wasn’t that person anymore.  I’m not complaining, but things change and so do your priorities.  Suddenly meetings with co workers were replaced by weeks alone with a newborn.  Years away from a “real job” put me in a place of questioning myself.  “What are your hobbies?”.  “What do you do in your spare time?”.  “Who are you???”.  All of these things played on my mind after I was no longer in the working world of architecture. 

And then I found running.  It made me feel complete and fit and accomplished.  I accomplished goals that I never thought I could accomplish.  It made me feel like part of a community, a part of SOMETHING. 

And then this summer happened.  I hit a wall.  I didn’t make the time to train.  It was way too hot.  My son made it hard for me to get out for runs (yes, I’m blaming my son for my laziness….). 

Recently I ran the Disneyland Half Marathon.  I actually ran a 10k and then a half marathon.  I wasn’t prepared, due to my lack of training, and I was actually a bit scared.  Not because I knew that I couldn’t finish, but I’m really not sure why.  Anyway, I actually had a decent 10k time (for myself, and for a runDisney race, and for not training).  But my half marathon time was dismal.  Not my best.  I ran with my sister and my husband, who ran his first half marathon.   And the thing is, I felt really good for the half.  It was actually a really easy half marathon for me.  Yet my finish time made me feel like less of a runner.  Like….. not a runner at all.  The real runners make fun of this kind of half marathon time.  And it makes me feel like I can’t classify myself as a runner at all.  Even though I’ve completed [only] 9 half marathons, some of which had 10k races preceding them, and I have 3 more half marathons on my calendar right now……

Long story short, not running makes me feel lost and a lot like a loser.  Because REAL runners run ALL THE TIME, NO EXCUSES.  So I started thinking, maybe I need to redefine the definition of “runner” for myself.  I need to reprogram myself?  Yes, I love to run.  But……… l’m not fast.  I’ve never run a full.  I’ve never done a triathlon.  I can’t run a consistent 10 minute mile.  Am I really a runner?