I have no idea who I am anymore. Whoever said “Motherhood Changes You”, boy they weren’t kidding. I’ve changed so much over the last 12 years.
For one, my body. It will never be the same. I fear that I’ll always be thick around the middle (….. I know, I know, beer is really to blame……). All women experience the same things though. Larger feet. Expanded rib cage. Wider hips. My freaking organs were all mashed together. My bladder isn’t the same. One arm is stronger than the other from carrying that awkward freaking clip in infant car seat thing. And you know that we all put it in the shopping cart where we weren’t supposed to.
Let’s talk about the mental changes now. My brain runs non. Stop. Like, I have to be constantly multitasking at all times or else I feel restless. I know that I was like that in the architecture world, but now it’s like, exponential. Before, I used to be talking on the phone, while drafting a floor plan while looking up files on a health department submittal. Now, I’m thinking about the socks that I have to buy my son with sensory processing disorder while loading the dishwasher and filling up the water filter reservoir and making a grilled cheese. And in the background I hear the washer finish its cycle so then it’s thinking ahead to the clothes that I need to iron and fold and put away……
Most days I feel like I’m on a merry go round and I can’t get off.
And then there’s my taste in movies. I used to love gory horror flicks. I used to love Quentin Tarantino movies. Now that my brain automatically goes to CATASTROPHIC MODE, I can’t stand to watch people get maimed, hurt, killed or otherwise. ESPECIALLY if kids are involved. I’m not saying that I have to watch only romantic comedies or dramas or anything. I just can’t shut the mom/protector part of my brain off.
Now that I’ve been nothing but a mom for almost 12 years, I don’t know who I am anymore. I kinda feel like I’ve lost my identity. Like, what do I even like anymore? What am I doing? Whatever it is, I’m sure that I’m doing it wrong and will cause my adult child to endure years of therapy. I honestly have no idea what I’m doing. And I’m so sick of being clueless. But I guess that that’s a part of motherhood too.
So here I am, middle aged and still trying to find myself.
Thank you, https://newdadintraining.wordpress.com/ for getting me off to a new start.